Dealing with abuse and learning to let go By melissaoconnor

There have been numerous times in my life when men (boys) have abused me mentally, sexually and physically. I will never forget about these experiences but I have learned to let them go. It took a great deal of strength and time to get past them but I did it. If I can then you can too.

My first experience with abuse happened in 3rd grade. During recess I was attacked on the playground by a boy that was somewhat of a troubled kid. To keep it short, he pushed me up against the doors of the building and put a piece of glass up to my neck. He then preceded to call me horrible names and said not to move. After what seemed like forever he stepped aside and I slowly tried walking away. Just as I thought I was free he kicked me between the legs. Guys, I totally understand how this feels. I felt like my stomach was going to come out of my chest. I stood there in pain as he walked away laughing. To this day I do not know why he did that to me. I recently found this kid on Facebook. He looks like the same unhealthy jerk. I always told myself that if I found him one day I would ruin his life. I now realize that he is not worth an ounce of my energy or time. That day affected my perception of boys for a number of years. Being just 8 years old I didn't know how to handle it. I kept it inside until I was old enough to express it creatively. Then I never let it back in.

During this time I was also friends with a girl that was bossy and hit me from time to time. She was bigger and stronger than me so I couldn't do much to stand up for myself. After a year or so I finally told my mother and the friendship ended. The last I heard about that girl she was working as a stripper and living a dishonest life. Not surprised.

So the elementary years are out of the way. Yes there is more. Sadly enough.
I will try to breeze through them all.

Next up is another guy who didn't accept the word NO. It was 8th grade. A couple of my girlfriends and I went to Union to chill out with a group of guys. Now we probably shouldn't have been there to begin with but the taxi pulled up and out we were. We sort of got split up among the guys and I ended up with this kid Albert. We went upstairs to one of the bedrooms and started to kiss. Eventually this led to more intimacy. I did not want to get far with this kid and started to get really uncomfortable the minute he tried to put his hands down my pants. To sum it up, I said NO what felt like a hundred times and wouldn't have it. This fight continued for a long time..at least an hour or so. He was not happy. I tried everything to get out of there. Nothing worked. And again I was not strong enough to get him off me. Eventually, his hand made it down my pants. All I could do at that point was squeeze as hard as I could. He eventually gave up and let me leave the room. This was not something I thought would happen to me. But it did. All I wanted to do was leave and go home. I felt so disgusting.

Skip to Brian. A boyfriend that not only was troubled but liked to control me. Sadly, I loved him. One night he made me do something I did not want to do. Wouldn't take his hand off my head. A memory I fought to erase. Not many people know about this. The relationship I had with Brian changed my life and put me through therapy. Not only did I start thinking about suicide but the image I had of myself was warped and stripped of any innocence. It took me over 10 years to feel comfortable with a guy again.

Last experience happened in Florida. I was out with a couple of my guy friends and they were drinking. We ended up at my friends house just hangin out. Eventually my friends started to pass out and the only one who didn't was this kid I didn't know. Soon enough we were talking and he ended up on top of me kissing my face. I told him to stop but he didn't. He was heavy and I couldn't move. This went on for a little while....even though it felt like hours. I remember trying to get my friend to wake up across the room. He was passed out by the toilet bowl, out cold. Eventually, I got him to stop and woke them up. I stormed out of there so uncomfortable and trapped. Walking in mud towards the road seemed like running through a field of flowers.

You see I have been through a lot. You would think I would be really screwed up from all this and let me be honest and say I was. For a long time, I couldn't let any of this go. It affected me, my life and my relationships in a very negative way. But what it also did was give me strength. Strength to be tough and not take anyone's crap. I am an amazing woman who will not allow someone to take a piece of her unless it is shared. All those people who held me down and suppressed me are not only weak but sad as well. I find it pathetic to steal the soul of a little girl. To rape the innocence of girl who is becoming a woman. To hold down a woman and take what you want. They will all get it back if they haven't already. I continue to grow, learn and gain strength everyday so memories like this can fade away and new ones can let the sunshine back in my life.

If you have been through abuse of any kind my secret to you is honesty. What I just did is what you should do. Talk and express it in any way you can. To hold things like this in will kill you. You are worth the world! Don't let anyone take that away from you.